Comfort
by CelticWarriorMoon
Summary: Despite the fact that Genji is alive, Hanzo still can not come to terms with his actions all those years ago. In desperation, he tries to end his pain, but he doesn't count on the intervention of a certain someone... Please just read. The summary does not do this justice. Rated T for main theme of suicide.


The cool leaden metal of the gun chilled his skin as he held it, tensely, in his palm. To the sullen archer, it seemed somehow reassuring, completely at odds with its intended purpose. A ticket to escape, no less. Soon, it appeared, he would no longer have to torture his agitated mind with the endless "what if's" and the unforgiving stream of regret that plagued him.

Hanzo Shimada, the heir to the Shimada clan's vast empire of corruption and power, could stand the pain no longer.

He would never forget the unexpected death of his beloved father, nor the day when he was suddenly thrust into the demanding position of leader of the clan. He would never forget the advice that the elders had given, that they claimed was for the best.

He would never forget the day that he, against his better nature, had attempted to murder his very own brother in cold blood.

He would never forget the look on Genji's face as he landed that first vicious strike. He would never forget the cries of pain and ragged gasps that escaped his brother as he neared his end. He would never forget the fear in his eyes, his weak pleading for mercy, the feeling of the warm red blood trickling through his own shaking fingers.

He would never forget the empty feeling that had consequently engulfed him and refused to leave.

Hanzo let out a weary sigh. Why did he do this to himself. He didn't need to suffer this way.

All he had to do was let go. To not fear death, not even for one moment.

 _Go on. Do it. End your pain, Hanzo Shimada._

Slowly, he raised the gun to his right temple. Took a few deep breaths, held them, let them go.

 _Do it._

He closed his eyes, his finger resting on the trigger.

 _To all those I've known... goodbye. Jesse, Genji... forgive me.  
_  
"Hey, Hanzo! You wouldn' have happened to see my... Oh darlin', what the hell are you doin'?"

The strongly-accented voice of his all-American lover cut through the silence, snapping Hanzo out of his thoughts. The realisation, the sudden urgency in his voice, did not go unnoticed by the archer. He opened his eyes, to see the familiar figure of McCree standing in the doorway, a stunned expression on his face.

"I..."

Another sigh. It wasn't going to be easy for Hanzo to pour out his deepest feelings, not even to Jesse McCree, the man he loved. Hesitantly, he placed down his partner's weapon.

"It's... not what it looks like, Jesse."

The cowboy said nothing. Instead, he calmly walked over to Hanzo, a worried expression playing on his usually smiling face.

"You're a real bad liar, baby. It's exactly what it looks like to me."

He paused, and in a softer tone continued, "Please don't lie to me, darlin'. Please just tell me what's botherin' you. If there's somethin' up, please don' shut it away inside."

Gently, he pulled Hanzo into his arms, and secured them tenderly around his waist. Weakened by his emotional struggle, but also strangely relieved at McCree's intervention, the archer allowed himself to fall into the embrace, leaning his head against his lover's chest. He would rather have preferred that he was left in peace, undisturbed, to end his suffering quickly and quietly, but...

Despite it all, part of him felt touched by his partner's concern, some small part of him that had stubbornly refused to turn to stone all those years ago.

Hanzo closed his eyes, and let the steady, uninterrupted beat of his lover's heart set his mind at ease. After the harsh reality of what he had intended to do mere seconds previous suddenly washed over him, a calm mind was the only thing he craved.

 _What was I thinking? Why did I try to..._

"Jesse, I just..."

The image of Genji's blood-stained, still body, and the memory of the unrelenting tears he had shed, flashed in his mind once more. He let out another weary sigh.

"I can't live with the burden of what I've done anymore."

His voice broke as he came dangerously close to tears. Even the strongest, it seemed, had their moments of weakness - a fact he knew all too well.

"Aw, sweetheart, it's alright. You're gonna be just fine," came the cowboy's reassuring reply. "We all get ourselves hurt, but sometimes, ya just have to grin and bear it."

Hanzo couldn't help but feel a little slighted by the response. He pulled his head away, and looked his lover in the eye.

"You don't understand. I tried to kill Genji, Jesse. I tried to kill my own flesh and blood. And for what? The honour of my own flesh and blood. _Corrupt_ flesh and blood."

He paused, before repeating, "You wouldn't understand."

Hanzo looked away from McCree's worried gaze, and blinked away the tears that had, annoyingly, filled his eyes.

 _How could anyone possibly make it feel better..._

The feeling of his lover's warm hand on his cheek put an end to his despairing train of thought. Slowly, Hanzo again turned to face him.

"Darlin', just listen to me."

This time McCree's voice had an edge to it, such a sudden change from his steady, consoling tone that it somewhat startled the archer.

"I know how it feels to kill. I know how it feels to drive a couple'a bullets clean into another man's body. Okay, never fellow kinsfolk like in your experience, but still killin' all the same. Do I regret it? Hell, I do. But that's all behind me in the dust, baby. Nothin' can change the past."

A clouded look came over his face - guilt, maybe? - before he continued, "All I'm sayin' is - ya really don' need to keep turnin' it over and over in your mind. Besides, ain't your brother still alive and kickin'? In that case, just what have you gotta be ungrateful for?"

"He is not the Genji I knew, Jesse. My old brother is dead. Because of me."

Again the tears rapidly appeared in his eyes at the thought. This time he didn't even try to stop them. The cold, bitter streams trickled down his face, as he bowed his head and tried to conceal them from his partner.

"I deserve to die, Jesse."

In response, he felt a gentle thumb caress his cheek. He raised his head.

"Hanzo... Please don' scare me like that again."

This time McCree's voice was barely more than a whisper, with a hoarse edge that to Hanzo suggested that he was himself on the verge of tears.

"Ya gave me a real fright there, darlin'. To think I coulda lost ya..."

A single tear escaped his eye at the prospect, making the solemn archer feel a twinge of guilt. It had been selfish of him, he supposed. Selfish of him to ever consider leaving behind a trail of despair and anguish for McCree, Genji, and everyone who had known and loved him to clean up.

"I can't imagine life without ya, sweetheart..."

Again, Hanzo let out a sigh.

"Me neither, Jesse. You're right. I was a fool for trying to make that a reality. I... I'm sorry."

A faint smile of relief appeared on the cowboy's face, before he pulled Hanzo in for a long, reassuring kiss. All the archer's insecurities, all his pent-up angst, suddenly dissolved into the moment, a moment that tasted of cigar smoke and sadness. Too weary to resist, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to melt into the tender sensation.

It only took a few moments, but that was all that was needed for the anxious archer to regain his composure. Even when he had pulled away, he already felt the ground firmer beneath his feet.

"Aw, you really don' have to go about apologisin'," he heard his lover affirm, in a low voice. "Just know that whenever ya feel bad about things, you can just lemme know an' I'll set ya right as rain. I'm here for ya."

In spite of himself, Hanzo too found himself smiling at his lover's optimism. It was truly comforting for him to know that, despite his life's troubles and constant disappointments, someone would always have his back.

Granted, not the person he would have once imagined, but someone nonetheless.

"Thank you," he whispered, his hand gently resting against that of his lover.


End file.
